Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM