Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
