can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
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Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.