I'm fucking your sister right now.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section