I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day