how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...