Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.