My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.