2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior