Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.