I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
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eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
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Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town