allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.