I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her