Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
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I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
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Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.