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Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
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