We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.