We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
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He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
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Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.