I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.