I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night