I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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