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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
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