No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
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I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
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I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...