Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.