Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something