Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway