I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time