I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
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Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
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Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time