Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
