Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.