What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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