you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
