Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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