I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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