Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.