upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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