My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
