he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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