Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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