Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
