I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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