WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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