Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You took a bar mat shot.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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