I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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