We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
