I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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