he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
