Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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