You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
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just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
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I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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