upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
