Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
