considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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