I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
