His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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