I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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