ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
