Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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