If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
worst night to have a conscience
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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