it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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