so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
