Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
