If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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